*Originally posted February, 24th 2014.*
I went back and forth in my mind about writing this blog. I’m still not sure I will post it, publish it, or allow this part of me to be readily available to the public. Furthermore, to the people in my life that SAY they are for me and mine succeeding when in reality they pray and feed off the downfall of others, in order to make themselves feel elevated. This makes me nervous because this vulnerability is not mine alone. This is a shared story that includes my baby… my son, Josiah.
I had an“AH HA”moment last year, 2013. There were several incidents that lead me to my realization and the tragedy and senseless murder of young Trayvon Martin was the last piece in a huge puzzle for me….
That case and situation garnered a lot of attention, in the media, social media, and around the world. Although, it is unfortunately not a unique case, young black men are deemed threats for no other reason than they are black. That’s all it takes to be considered a suspect. This is my personal take on the events that took place and to ME this was a case of racial profiling by an overzealous man who took the life of a child because this child was black and in his mind in the wrong neighborhood. A completely avoidable situation, I believe a series of bad choices were made however, none so serious that the end result should have been loss of life. What was particularly perplexing and hard to watch take place was the fact that Trayvon, a child that was gunned down and died, and as a result his character was put a trial as well.
I watched as this young man’s life was picked apart in order to paint him the villain. To justify the fact he was murdered in cold blood by a man based on his stature and color alone. That thought was a scary one to swallow as the parent of a young black son. One whose stature will be similar to that of young Trayvon. My heart broke, and I literally ached all over for his mother. How on earth can breath come easy when you have learned your child is no longer breathing. My heart sank at the verdict. This is not about the trail and I know I keep diverting but this is still a topic that elicits a strong reaction and passion inside of me. What this is about is the harsh reality I had to face when it came to MY baby, MY son, MY young black man.
:-) Let me tell you about my baby… He is so dreamy, smart, bright, determined, inquisitive, rambunctious, head strong, talkative, and host of other really GREAT adjectives. :-) I am a proud mommy. My son is the baby out of my brood and I can be very doting. As mommies, we tend to first ALWAYS see the perfection in the beautiful blessings we give birth to. It’s easy to gloss over minor little bitty flaws, I mean there are no PERFECT humans, right? Well, what do we do when the shiny new baby glow is long gone and “perfect” no longer lives here? What did I do, you ask….. I made excuses. It was simple really. I explained the behavior away. “He’s a boy!” “Boy’s do that.” “He’s just being a boy.” “Boys behave like this sometimes.” I wasn’t alone though, because this behavior did not show itself until he was around 5 – 6 years old, and just like me his teachers where charmed by my absolutely charming son. When his naughty behavior showed itself they too would sweep it under the rug, wait until it was one infraction too many then contact me at their wits end. And I would handle it. I would listen intently and ask why this is my first time hearing of this and it was always the same song…. Josiah is soooo smart, he is great at math, so outstanding in his studies, and his penmanship is so lovely, they always led with what made him great. Never the issue at hand, I recognized the signs after a while. It was easy since I once did the same. They hesitated correcting because like me, they wanted to ignore the negative and pray the positive won the battle.
Like any parent, we see the futures of our children to be greater than what we have accomplished, I am no different. With his potential I KNOW my son is destined for GREATNESS. Thinking of what he can do brings a smile to my face as I type this. However, I also know that all the potential in the world will go nowhere if his behavior does not match his charm and academic capabilities. I knew that his mood and attitude would be his downfall. As his mommy, I had to figure out how to save him, even from himself. I decided that keeping him busy was a start. I entered him into programs, such as the Boys & Girls Club, Mentoring Men, Basket Ball, Homework Club and whatever I thought would challenge him and keep him active. That all worked but as he grew older his mood swings and school infractions increased. I prayed and tried to redirect the behavior. I even threatened drastic punishments and it only quelled the underlined issues temporarily. This was our reality for a while. After watching the Trayvon Martin trial coverage unfold and hearing of the events that took place the day his life was taken, is when it all became clearer to me…. Josiah is not always going to be my baby. I will not always be able to save him from himself. He will one day grow to be a man and with that means he will need to have the tools to control his temper, mood, and actions. He will soon be entering into his teen years and with that his hormones will be raging. That is not a good combination with the already ever presence behavior issues we were having. Although, on that fatal day Trayvon was doing nothing but WWB (walking while black), his only offense is being young, black, and male, my mind went immediately to my son. How did society see him? Is his frame threating at 11 years old and already 5’6 tall, slender build, and of course… black! My son in a hoodie, walking down the street, minding his business, and if approached in a threating manner would react accordingly… would that be his downfall?
The day he was born and I held him in my arms, and looked into his eyes, and bonded with the life I was now responsible for, I never thought I would have to prepare him for society to say his skin was the reason why they felt he was a threat.My son is Trayvon Martin. The realities of Josiah’s situation and the skin he was blessed to be born in opened my eyes that it was time to stop making excuses. To ensure my son was as prepared as I can make him to be self-sufficient in the world. That I ready him for not only the way society would view him and use the tragedy of Trayvon Martin as teachable moment, furthermore finding out what causes his moods and how to get him on the road I know he is destined to travel. Not the one that his behavior was leading him to. After seeking advice from his guidance councilor, his primary care physician, and my mother, I decided to have my son evaluated.
This was no easy choice. I was scared of what the evaluation would uncover, although I knew that as his mom this was the right choice. I prayed that it was all just him acting out and that it was nothing more serious. I always dismissed his behavior as a battle of wills between him and I. That reality made more sense to me and that I could handle. That I was prepared for. What I was not prepared for but in the back of mind knew might be the case was an emotional disorder. When I started down this path I had come to terms with the fact the results may be difficult. And they were, my son was diagnosed with ADHD as well as emotional distress. Over the years I have heard many things regarding this particular diagnosis. I have read articles about the long terms effects of medication. I have also read testimonials about how finding out made the issues the child faced more bearable for both the child and family. All I knew was this was a scary place and I had to lead my child through it.
This diagnosis is still very new. He and I are taking the needed steps to ensure he has what he needs to focus, stay attentive, and maintain emotional composure. We do this through his seeing a behavioral health specialist regularly whom he can talk to and with her help we are on a good path. Although, I was terrified of the results, I have to admit since that day he was diagnosed and I started researching, inquiring, and becoming informed things have been much better for both him and I. The reason WHY was answered for the both of us, actually WHY, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, & HOW are becoming more evident. WHY we kept butting heads over what I thought was defiant behavior. HOW, his brain processes information & instructions.WHAT, can be done when he is frustrated. WHEN his coping tools can be used to avoid being disruptive and/or disrespectful.WHERE, is the appropriate place to voice your opinion/feelings and in what manner. Knowing, has been a blessing because the frustration before knowing was tense, uncomfortable, and unfair to him and everyone that had to deal with him.
All of these factors came together for me during that trial. My son would be viewed as a suspect due to his behavior among his peers if not properly dealt with. If I don’t ensure he has all the advantages available to him then I fail as his first line of protection, love, and guidance. As a young black male he enters the world every day with targets against him for reasons he cannot control…. Much like Jordan Davis, Emmett Till, & Trayvon Martin.(May they each rest in paradise, despite the awful hand they were dealt due to the color of their skin alone.)My Ah Ha moment lead us to rectify the reasons he can control.
In closing I want to say… If you think something may be wrong or addressed or you have more bad day’s then good, look into it. Don’t be scare of the diagnosis IF there is one, be empowered by KNOWING. Don’t think knowing will hinder you, it will aid you in achieving your GREATNESS! The FACT is WE must be brighter, work harder, more determined and do so in manner that is consider non-threatening. My prayer is that all black males’ young and old never fall victim to racial profiling… especially cases that lead to fatalities.
“Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason.” ~Abraham Joshua Herschel
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." ~ Henry David Thoreau
By Elizabeth Funderbirk